a hideous snow globe with a floating plastic dolphin, the price went from $8 to $6 to $5—without Jeffrey having to open his mouth once. Ever the bargain lover, he bought the eyesore.

Before returning to shore, Jeffrey needed to replenish the alcohol in his system, so we leaped to Señor Frogs, a dockside Mexicanish restaurant that boasts massive green margaritas. After three of them he wanted more, but Eddie dragged him back to the ship and the tour day in Nassau was over. For those who do not have a great interest in visiting Nassau, there are many things to do on the boat while docked at port, like lying in the sun. And because most people do choose to disembark, the ship is relatively calm (thereby upping your chances of winning at BINGO).

Castaway Cay

massage ($125) was heavenly, but the joy of receiving a massage on the beach is lost two minutes into the rubdown with your face down on a massage table. Aside from the sound of the surf (available at a record store near you), the massage could be done pretty much anywhere. So save your massage time for the Vista Spa and spend “cay time” on the beach. Serenity Bay is located next to the crew beach, so you may spot the hottie crew members in their birthday…er, bathing suits. After an hour of lounging our long day was over, and we headed back to the ship relaxed, tanned, and stuffed.

THE FOOD
Basics for dinner: The Wonder has three regular restaurants: Animator’s Palate, Triton’s, and Parrot Cay. Each restaurant has two dinner seatings, at 6 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. You choose the seating before you go, and Disney assigns a specific table number and “rotation” (meaning which restaurant you eat at and with whom). If you’re in a small group, you may be assigned to dine with other people. Wisely, the Disney crew look at the profiles of the people traveling with you (i.e. just adults, a family with teens, or a family with screaming brats), and decide which restaurant to start you out in. You can make special reservations at Palo, the restaurant for passengers 18 and over, for an additional charge of $10 per guest for dinner.

Triton’s (on the Wonder)/Lumiere's (on the Magic) : Our first night we were sent to Triton’s, which according to our brochures serves “fine seafood.” It does, but in limited supply, with only two seafood items on the entrée list (a shrimp cocktail and an herb-crusted Sea Bass, both of which Jeffrey enjoyed). The surprise of our dining experience was Sylvia and Jerry, a couple from Duluth, Minn., who sat with us. Despite being from Duluth, these great-grandparents spoke like they were straight out of the film Fargo. Sylvia enjoyed informing us about all of their 10 kids, their lives in Duluth, and their many cross-country road trips. Oddly enough, neither of them asked us anything. We think they may have suspected we were…Jewish. Aside from the underwater landscape, there was nothing in the restaurant to suggest it was actually a seafood restaurant. That didn’t stop us from eating like whales, and the food was all good—not spectacular, but considering they were cooking for 2,500 people, it was very satisfying. This is a restaurant you dress up for, although many just wore T-shirts and jeans.

Animator’s Palate: Without a doubt, the design of this eatery is the most eye-popping and dynamic of any restaurant in the Disney empire. As you walk in, it’s like you’re in a pre-tornado version of The Wizard of Oz: everything is in black and white. The walls adorned with portraits from Disney animated films, the table linens, the waitstaff—nothing is in color. Luckily the same cannot be said of the food, as Jeffrey enjoyed a butternut squash soup so intoxicating he nearly proposed to Sylvia. (Yes, Jerry and Sylvia were back.) A variety of orchestral Disney songs play during the meal, and with each song the corresponding portrait on the wall bursts into color before fading back into black and white. (So, for example, as “The Bare Necessities” plays, the picture from The Jungle Book goes Technicolor.) This all culminates in a pre-dessert grand finale where the entire room explodes in color. It was one of the most breathtaking Disney moments of the trip.

Parrot Cay: How the hell would we know how the food is? We didn’t eat there! But we did poke our heads in to see that Parrot Cay features a lot of brightly colored tropical prints to go with their Caribbean Food. It took some doing for Eddie to convince Jeffrey that the jerk chicken on the menu was not a reference to Jeffrey’s ex.

Palo: Every time Palo is referred to as the “adults-only” restaurant we giggled, half expecting Chi Chi LaRue and Jeff Stryker to be waiting tables. But the food at Palo, Spago-like continental cuisine, brings more pleasure than a Stryker box set. After waiting a few minutes for a table, the culinary festivities began. From the sumptuous mini pizzas to the grilled portobello mushrooms with polenta to the seafood risotto, every bite was a little bit of heaven. The service was exceptional, with everyone on the staff going out of their way to make our meal perfect. Palo is a must-eat stop on any Disney cruise, and it’s now one of Jeffrey’s favorite meals of all time. Jackets are recommended for gentlemen (but since neither one of us can claim to be gentlemen, we cheated and just wore pretty pleated skirts).

Breakfast and Lunch: Buffets are available at Parrot Cay and the Beach Blanket Buffet. There is also sit-down service available at Triton’s. For these meals you can sit wherever you like, except on the captain’s lap, as Eddie quickly learned.

Nighttime/Late Night: Near the lounges and by the pool. buffets are set up after dinner is finished being served. Because seven meals a day just aren't enough.

THE SHOWS
While not all of you are theater geeks, for those who are we suggest seeing all three of the Disney stage shows. We did and aren’t the least bit sorry. Our expectations of cruise entertainment were low, and our experience at Disney’s theme park shows made them even lower. So we were thrilled with the quality of the shows, each running just over an hour. Of course, it didn’t hurt that the casts were full of adorable men and divas with killer chords. Toy Story: The Musical (only on the Wonder) is the best, which is why we're reviewing it at the end, as it bears special mention. Twice Charmed, a favorite of Jeffrey's since he always loves a prince, reveals what happens after Ever After, when Cinderella's wicked stepmother finds a way to revese time and change the past. The original score is delightful, and the plot delightfully smart. The Golden Mickey’s, an awards show that was actually much less cheesy than it sounds. And it did feature full numbers with Cruella DeVil and Tarzan, so we were pretty much won over. Dreams while it’s not as inspired as the other two, it still managed to charm. The very talented cast, most of whom appear in all three, seem to have a good time. As did we. After all, drinks are served in the theater, and nothing spells family like a drunk parent, don’t you think?

Of the three stage shows playing on Disney Wonder, Hercules the Muse-ical was by far the weakest. So while we mourn the loss of those fierce muses (one of whom was in drag) and we miss knowing that on every sailing on Disney Wonder, the hulking Herc was never more than a few decks away (pumping iron in the crew gym, no doubt), we were ready for a better show. Toy Story: The Musical doesn’t disappoint. In fact, it surpasses all expectations. Truth be told, those expectations were low. We were suffering from Pixar fatigue (yet another new Pixar attraction???)  and we were appalled when we heard that the majority of the Toy Story characters would be portrayed by actors totally encased in big, inflated costumes/ puppets, devoid of any facial expressions (think of the ridiculously clunky Mrs. Potts and Lumiere in the Beauty and the Beast show at Hollywood Studios). Only Buzz, Woody and Bo-Peep would be live (along with Andy and his sadistic neighbor, Sid). But as ridiculous as that looks in Beauty, with Lumiere towering above the actress playing Belle, in Toy Story, scale is handled much more appropriately. Plus the puppets provide the opportunity for the several of the film’s original voices (save the late Jim Varney) to recreate their indelible performances.  But the real triumph of Toy Story isn’t the clever ways in which the designers overcame the inherent physical challenges, it’s the piece itself. Unlike Finding Nemo: The Musical at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, which very uncomfortably crams the film’s plot into a 40 minute show,  the Toy Story narrative adapts exceptionally well, thanks to a tight book by Mindi Dickstein (Broadway’s Little Women). The excellent score by Groovelily, the married couple of Brendan Milburn and Valerie Vigoda is a perfect match to the material-- catchy and playful but with the intelligence of the show’s source. And it was performed, at least by the original company, flawlessly. In the original company, the actors playing Andy and Sid (both women, so in losing Hercules, we trade a drag queen for two drag kings) were both good but Geoffrey Tyler as Woody and Noel Douglas Orput as Buzz were excellent, not just as singing actors but as physical performers, expertly conveying their Toy-ness. The actors encased in the puppets also managed to be far more expressive than we could have imagined possible.  And the designers have once again worked wonders at making a huge show fit into the confines of a stage at sea. To call Toy Story: The Musical worth the price of a admission might sound excessive, but then again, anyone who’s paying $115/ ticket to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway might consider that for only a few hundred dollars more, there’s a far better show to be had with a whole cruise thrown in as a bonus!  C’mon, like it’s any harder to get to Florida than it is to negotiate Times Square?

THE CHARACTERS
The one thing no other cruise can offer is access to the classic Disney characters. Yes, we know they’re around largely for the kids, but we couldn’t help but get giddy when we ran into a princess or that mincing villain Captain Hook. On the cruise line the Disney characters are everywhere you turn, from scheduled photo opportunities in the lobby to drop-ins at breakfast. They can also be found periodically wandering the decks, but they’re never intrusive. The same can’t be said for the camera people who follow them around and will stop at nothing to get you to pose and then buy the damn pictures later.

In addition to the movie characters, Disney employs a significant number of crew members (not “cast members,” as other Disney employees are called) whose job it is to get the energy going throughout the ship. These are the people who lead bingo and karaoke, work the front desk recommending shore excursions, and feign excitement when they dance on deck. And while we tend to despise being tortured by these people, feeling equal parts annoyance and pity, we have to say that for some reason (Disney magic? Jack Daniels?) we went along with their shtick and fully enjoyed it. OK, yes, we did hit a low point when we were made to lip-synch to Bon Jovi—shirtless and sporting flowing wigs—but it was worth the free drink. And while Jeffrey would have been happy to give himself over even further, there are strict rules about crew members in passenger cabins.

THE EXTRAS
While most things are included in the price of your ticket, there are some things you have to pay for. Juice, iced tea, and soda are included; booze isn’t. So if you plan on taking a sip here and there, be ready to pay for it. Luckily, cocktails average $6, so you won’t go broke too quickly. Unless you’re Jeffrey, of course.

Vista Spa and Lounge: Disney has a fabulous 8,000-square-foot full-service spa on board to serve all of your needs (well, not all of them, but maybe you can find a willing crew member to help you out with those other needs). While the

basic but state-of-the-art gym facilities are free, everything else will cost you, including massages, facials, the aromatherapy chamber, and haircuts.

Shore excursions: As you read above about our days at the ports, playing is fun but not free. You can investigate excursions on the Disney Cruise Line Web site before you leave, and as soon as you board you’re given a full schedule of excursions. There’s a large excursion desk in the ship’s lobby where crew members can book you on tours and explain what each adventure entails. But be warned, don’t overbook or you’ll be tired when you disembark. We learned that the hard way after we booked three things on Castaway Cay (snorkeling, parasailing, and cabana beach massages). It was definitely one thing too many, leaving us virtually no time to just relax on the beach —and we could have done even more, because Disney offers banana boating, a glass-bottom boat trip, kayaking, nature walks, and something called “bottom fishing,” which Jeffrey is pretty sure he does most weekends in West Hollywood. Also, make sure you get your money’s worth. Our Ardasta Gardens and City Tour was $36, which we say is a great price for everything we did. But be aware when they try to get you to shell out $60 for the privilege of using the beach at the Atlantis Resort. C’mon, people, it's a beach.

Laundry and dry cleaning: If you run out of clothes, have no fear, Disney is here—for a price, of course. You may also use the self-serve guest laundry, but you’ll have to pay. And really, did you go on a cruise to do laundry? We didn’t think so.

Gratuities: At the bars your gratuities are included, and that’s the good part. The complicated part is everything else, because you’re expected to tip your dining room server, your dining room assistant server, the dining room head server, and your stateroom housekeeping staff. This can run from $30 to $70 for a week’s cruise. Disney generously provides suggestions on how much you should tip. After the mess you made in the bathroom and with all your crazy food demands these people deserve it.

Internet: The ship has an Internet lounge where you can access the Web any time for a fee. When you get on board, you can enter the contest for free Internet access for the length of your stay. Jeffrey actually won this contest, and Eddie took advantage of his winnings by spending hours in chat rooms we'd rather not name here.

Phone calls: Your cell phones will work for an hour into the cruise, and that’s it, unless you’re with a company that provides international service. Ship-to-shore rates are pretty outrageous, so wait until you get back home to tell Aunt Petunia about the cute dolphins.

Babysitting: For all you queer parents out there, there’s babysitting on board for kids 12 weeks to 3 years. There are also free programs for kids older than three at the Oceaneers Club (ages 3 to 7) and Oceaneers Lab (ages 8 to 12).

THE BORING DETAILS
Before departure the Disney Cruise Line Web site or a travel agent can help answer most questions about booking cruises and prices. We did the three-night cruise, and while it was fabulous, it just didn’t feel like enough time. And while a one-week cruise may be ideal for others, we would have killed each other by day 5. So we recommend the four-night cruise. Suffice it to say, depending on the time of year, the length of cruise, and the kind of cabin you want, a trip can run from $409 per person for the cheapest three-night to $2,400 and up for a peak-season veranda room on the seven-night. But considering all your meals and the entertainment (and lodging) are included, it’s a good bang for your buck. You may also want to check out the shore excursions before you go so you can plan some fun activities. You’re responsible for getting to either the Orlando airport or Port Canaveral. As long as you arrive on the day of departure, Disney will have representatives swarming the airport to pick up wayward travelers. Parking a car at Port Canaveral will run you about $10 a day, but if you’re taking a short cruise, it’s almost worth it to be on your own schedule and not subject to a bus timetable.

Don’t forget: You need your passport every time you go ashore. Also, bring sun block, film (and your camera), basic toiletries—all of which are available on the boat but cost more than they do anywhere else, as Jeffrey learned. It’s also smart to pack extra clothes (even if you’re not Carson Kressley you will want to wear something a little nicer at Triton’s or Palo. Don’t pack your entire wardrobe, but pack smart.)